So I decided to sell my truck to a neighbor. We went down to the town hall and applied for a license to sign a contract, did the blood test thing…

Oh. Wait. No, we didn’t. That kind of thing doesn’t need to be licensed by the state. -whew-

Anyway, after that I went to the big box store to buy a bike for transportation. That being an implied purchase contract, me and the Wally World manager arranged to go get our bike purchase contract…

Oh. Wait. No, we didn’t. That kind of thing doesn’t need to be licensed by the state. -whew-

I got a job offer to do another book cover design. We worked up the contract, and I told the client we’d have to get a contract license. He said he’d never heard of such a thing. Funny; so did the clerk’s office. Again. (I think they’re getting tired of seeing me.)

Well, I’ve been more interested in TV lately, so I decided on a long-term satellite contract to get a good price. That’s an on-going commitment, so I knew it would require a contract. Down to town hall again.

They laughed at my naive ass. How was I to know?

Then there was the headhunter looking for a telecom tech. I’ll bet you’re seeing where that’s going. I didn’t.

Turns out you don’t need a license for regular employment either. Shoot, I was going to be responsible for millions of bucks of equipment and services for thousands of people; you’d think that would be regulated. They regulate the heck out of everything else.

So I finally learned my lesson. We actually live in a libertarian utopia where the state does not license private contracts between consenting adults. I was surprised but pleased to discover that. That was good to know when I got the marriage proposal from the lovely lady. We headed over to her church and asked the minister to marry us.

He asked to see our license. WTF? Turns out that the most private contractual agreement between two private individuals frickin’ does require a license. I pointed out that both of us were the same race, so the state shouldn’t be worried about a marriage license for us.

Wrong. Apparently we have to be state-certified and approved non-interracial, or something. But the Rev helpfully mentioned that we could save some bucks on the license itself if we show the town clerk a certificate of having completed a state-approved premarital education program. Conducted by a licensed professional.

The hell? I figured we’d just make it a common-law marriage; we don’t need Big Brother (or the Rev) sharing our bed.

Turns out common-law marriages are out, too. Something about needing state certification for tax purposes. Yeah, they tax that, too; more or less. Subject to change depending on the mood of whatever party controls the government this year.

OK, all kidding aside, I hope you’ve figured out that this is about last week’s SCROTUM ruling on same sex marriage. In case you were fortunate enough to miss it all, the short form is that the majority ruled that you have to marry someone of the same sex by July 31st states have to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples and recognize SSMs licensed by other states, which resulted in fire, famine, plague, EMP, the Zombie Apocalypse, the end of civilization as we know, lambs banging lions, sexually insecure guys losing their wives to pretty lesbians down the street pretty much nothing.

Which was a bad call. I don’t give a damn who marries who (or how many). I don’t have a dog in that fight; never met a guy I wanted to marry, and I never convinced any woman to marry me. At 54, I’ve given up and I’m not even in the dating game any more. But

This was the perfect opportunity for SCROTUM to note that their alleged Constitution doesn’t actually give the feds any supposed power over marriage (a purely personal arrangement) at all. What the cross-dressing dipsticks should have ruled is that state licensing of any marriage is a perpetuation of evil eugenics, based in the worst forms of racism, and that all such licensing violates the the 14th Amendment regarding due process and equal protection.*

Problem solved. Except for the Christians who do want to impose their own versions of Sharia law. That would be fine if they limited it to themselves. But what about folks who aren’t adherents to their particular version(s) of faith-based tomfoolery? Well, that would be the “impose their beliefs on others” part. When do I get to impose my beliefs in the sanctity of the individual, MYOB, and KYFHO on them?

Could be worse, I suppose. We could be under said sharīʿah law, where the state doesn’t make you get permission. Instead, we have a separation of chuch and state where the Christian denominations don’t get to impose their personal religious standards on eve… ry… one… else. Oh.**

* I could be missing something. Would the legal eagles educate me concerning any other private contract that requires a license for that contract? I don’t mean professional licensing like a medical license to practice law in general, but a specific license between said doc and a particular patient just to be in that specific physician/patient relationship. Ditto lawyer/client, etc. And while the design/construction of a house may require permits and code inspections, the contract between the builder and prospective homeowner does not.

** That is included for ironic contrast. I don’t approve of a system that permits involuntary marriage, marriage of those too young to give informed consent, and sex with a little girl so long as it doesn’t physically damage her (no doubt that little restriction was only included to prevent damaging broodstock — property — rather than any benevolent ideals about defending children).


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