As seen at Never Yet Melted.
Subject: Public Address System Complaint (followup):
We meet again.
As I noted in my email of 12/31/2016, you seem to have a little volume adjustment problem with your PA system. I appreciate that you turned it down a bit after my email, but this seems to be returning issue.
Since this gets loud enough to wake me up (just this morning, for a random example) in my bedroom with closed window on the far side of the house more than a mile away from the base perimeter fence, I have come to two possible conclusions:
1. The Islamic Squirrels Infiltration League is still probing your defenses, and you’re experimenting with sheer sound pressure to disrupt the fuzzy little bastards’ tissues, or…
2. Your drowsy night shift security personnel are using the extremely loud “This is a restricted area…” announcements to keep themselves awake.
Number 1 seems unlikely as I don’t think our local squirrel population is sufficiently radicalized as to join Daesh. Nor do they coordinate well. In groups they tend to get distracted and start chasing each other’s tails.
In support of number 2, I note that the PA volume goes _way_ up at night, and returns to a more sane level after 0800; almost as if they’re turning it down before the bosses come in for the day. Might I suggest the use of a remarkable invention called “instant coffee”? Tastes terrible, but your sleepy security can mix it as strong as needed to keep their fumbling fingers from cranking the knob to 11 every night. Or No-Doze. (I recommend against the use of stronger stimulants such as amphetamines lest your people actually start _seeing_ those radicalized rodents.)
Or you could give the watch post its own amplified speaker which they can turn up until their ears bleed.
The sheer frequency of the announcements is mildly troubling, but that’s really your problem. Perhaps the Islamic Squirrels have joined forces with the Possum Liberation Army and are overwhelming your defenses. Or you need to adjust the sensitivity thresholds on Fence Disturbance Sensors and motion detectors. Unless the critters are dragging along AK-47s, MAID/MILES may be less of a problem. Happily, I’ve yet to see one of the little SOBs manage the safety on an AK-pattern rifle. Reloads are a bitch for those tiny paws, too.
Pray the Al-Qaeda Armadillos don’t align with ISIL and the PLA. Small caliber rounds will bounce off their armor-plated hides. And they burrow like hell. But they can’t see to hit shit, so it evens out.
In short, turn the volume down. Leave it down.
Carl “Bear” Bussjaeger
Author: Net Assets, Bargaining Position, The Anarchy Belt, and more
Rep. Buddy Carter
Sen. Johnny Isakson
Sen. David Perdue
Army drone goes missing in Arizona
An unmanned aircraft launched Tuesday from Fort Huachuca, Arizona, lost connectivity and hasn’t been found, Army officials said Friday.
Tell me you took out the camera first, so it couldn’t send back your picture. Since they can’t find it, I guess you killed the transponder.
But what the hell are you going to do with it? Stuff it and mount on the wall? Kinda big.
Giant weather vane on the chicken coop?
Repair it and buzz invading cattle?
…that I found 2 pound chunks of sodium metal on Amazon.
Can’t imagine why.
Apparently low-IQ SJW types with no sense of humor — but I repeat myself — are getting butthurt over the obviously-a-funny-as-hell joke “Fisher-Price Happy Hour Playset.”
While folks of normal intelligence (and possessed of humor) are laughing our asses off at this, the snowflakes are whining to Fisher-Price, demanding they pull the nonexistent toy.
That’s hilarious in itself. But if they’re worried about that…
Lemme tell ya, in the real world, I gave a niece a for-real circular saw for Christmas once, and a two-year old got a power screwdriver for her birthday.
In case that didn’t give kids enough ideas, I’ve also presented children with The Dangerous Book for Boys and The Daring Book for Girls. Another kid got The Boy Electrician (which is… interesting enough that I included a warning myself).
OK, this one requires context.
Seems some guy supposedly* tried to rob a credit union in Jacksonville this morning. Held eleven people hostage for a couple of hours before JSO SWAT took advantage of a distraction to get in and capture the guy. On the one hand, kudos to LE for ending it without anyone getting shot.
On the other hand, apparently the entire JSO was tied up in that one incident for a couple of hours. If I were the bank robbing type, I’d have hit a financial institution across town while they were preoccupied.
But this evening, one of the TV stations was interviewing ex-hostages. One man described the wannabe-robber coming in. With his dog. Which returns us to the quote.
“You cain’t bring no dawg in heah.”
And then he said he saw the freelance redistributionist’s gun — which he fired into the ceiling.
Never mind. Come right in, Fido.
* “Supposedly,” because it sounds more like a crazy cry for help than a real robbery. This guy’s main demand was for family to come talk to him.